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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| Jodi Arias should have to share a quad with the Beagle Boys from Cleveland for the rest of time...The White House marked Mother's Day by celebrating Obamacare's free birth control on Twitter. Probably their most awkward tweet since their "I love ham" campaign during Rosh Hashanah...Max Baucus is retiring after calling the Obamacare bill he helped write "a train wreck." I've got a new idea to fix the economy - build a foot-high tollbooth on the outskirts of DC and make everyone who has the Road Runner cloud away from this piece of crap at least kick in a quarter on the way out...Journalistic integrity these days makes a house of cards look like a Normandy bunker...The press are such ass-kissers and Obama just keeps saying "kiss my ass." It's a match made in heaven...If Obama has another couple days like he just had, he's going to insist he was born in Kenya...Dick Cheney said that President Obama was involved in an "ongoing Benghazi coverup." Jay Carney immediately responded with a press release that said in all caps, "HALLIBURTON!"...If Valerie Jarrett had a buzzcut, she'd be H.R. Haldeman...Jay Carney blows more smoke than a Rastafarian death-rattle...Jay Carney has a worse bluff than Marty Feldman with pocket aces... And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| President Obama has threatened to open up a can of whup-nuance on Syria...Obama's foreign policy: if you talk the talk, you have to be able to talk the more talk...Using computer models to predict climate change is like using brackets to predict the outcome of the NCAA tournament...Obama stammers so much in his speeches because he's crossing a BS lake and he's looking for the next ice floe to hop to...The press are such lapdogs for Obama, the White House should appoint Cesar Millan as Press Secretary...Thanks to Obama's stonewalling, the American people don't know Benghazi from Ben Gazzarra - and they don't know Ben Gazzarra...Under questioning, the administration's story on Benghazi is shakier than a jackhammer operator playing Jenga on his lunch break...If 4 jihadists had been killed by our guys in the raid on Benghazi, we'd have had non-stop hearings every day until we got to the bottom of it...Al Gore may be worth $200 million, but when it comes to karma, his account is bereft...Chris Christie will probably run in 2016 since he already has experience with getting someone elected President... And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| I'm not saying China owns a lot of our debt, but I was asked if I wanted MSG on my tax return check this year...Doesn't the idea of the streets of Paris filled with effete, beret-wearing men denouncing gay marriage sound like an unused Rod Serling screenplay?...Why isn't Obama out there every day saying that radical Islam obviously clings to their guns and religion?...John King just tweeted me to tell me that Thomas Dewey is the President...I've known people in dialysis who aren't as dependent on a machine as Obama on his 'prompter...Obama is funny. I wish he had his own late night talk show and Craig Ferguson was President...As I watched all the awe-struck acolytes in the press corps at that dinner looking up at Obama, I finally figured it out: he's Frank Sinatra, and the press is Peter Lawford...Compared to the press's fawning over Obama at the Correspondent's Dinner, Tony Robbins crowds look like Nuremberg juries...My advice: avoid the liberal media. Quit idiots like you quit cigarettes. It's hard for a couple weeks, but then they're out of your life...When Obama finally gets his own Presidential Library, the entire thing will be in fine print... And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| Every time I see there's a John Kerry story, I think, "Who did we acquiesce to today?"...John Kerry will host a meeting of top Afghan and Pakistani officials to discuss reconciliation with the Taliban. The only issue is whether our differences will be moderated by Judge Joe Brown or Judge Judy...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is in the hospital after getting hurt in his WWE title fight. A new high in irony: real injuries from pretend sports...You'll get Gosnell's right to capriciously abort children in a questionable manner when you pry it from his cold, dead hand...There were people who worked in the Enigma project during WWII who did not deal, on a day-to-day basis, with code as much as Al Sharpton. He could take the phrase "I prefer oleo margarine" and break that down into a racist comment somehow...I believe in good police work. I don't believe in a good police state...There is good and evil in the world, and the good should occasionally thin the herd of the evil...One of these days, someone's going to trigger a home-made bomb with an Obamaphone...Why is the President afraid to say "terrorism"? He's either stupid or he's creepy or he's a genius like HAL 9000 who's thrown a wire and doesn't quite know what he's doing...If we're going to take the high ground in the war on terror, we'll have the best seat in the house to witness our own demise. |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| Jim Nantz - the Dog-leg Whisperer. #masters...Brandt Snedeker is the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates of tousled...In photos I see, I believe the winner of the Venezuelan election is wearing the same outfit Ricky Fowler wore on Friday at the Masters...It would appear that Kobe Bryant's Achilles tendon is his Achilles heel...Nancy Pelosi's head is so empty it has squatters...Price of gold plummets. Scrooge McDuck on suicide watch...The "why" of the Boston Marathon bombing? A) they're evil B) they're nuts C) their religion demands it D) all of the above... For Obama to not immediately call the Boston Marathon bombing an act of terrorism - what do you THINK it was? A diversion for pickpockets?...Just one question for the President: why did you hesitate to use the term "terrorism?" Because this whole contortion of primal feelings on your part is resonating in the dens of the madmen...We're not supposed to immediately jump to the conclusion that this was Islamic terrorism, but am I at least allowed, for a moment, to doubt the benefit of giving the benefit of the doubt?..."Act of terror" should not be a placeholder for "radical Islam"... And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| The Associated Press announced it will stop calling illegal immigrants "illegal immigrants." Rickles announced that he's just going to continue to call all of them "Pedro"...Liberals get overvociferous defending Obama's dismal record. That's the tell...Joe Biden is the spokesman for the "blank helicopter crowd"...Great day at the Atlanta Braves game yesterday. It was Mohel Day at the old ball yard so the tomahawk chop had a certain precision to it...My gay friends don't talk about gay marriage as much as the straight white guys in media...Greece now wants reparations from Germany for WWII. Yeah, good luck calling in a marker on the Hun...What this planet needs is a country called CommonSensylvania, because this nation has gone as mad as Crazy Eddie with a fever...A new poll shows 15% of people think the government adds secret mind-control technology to televisions broadcasts. I definitely believe they exist. They're called commercials...Did you see that video of Obama missing 20 of 22 shots on the basketball court? Well, he's still better at shooting than he is at picking winners in the green jobs category...Speaking of his bad game, we should start taxing his missed shots. We'd all be flush... And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| To avoid offending anyone, the White House decided to call this year's Easter Egg Roll the "Early Spring Unfertilized Chicken Embryo Roll featuring The Holiday Rabbit"...Obama is a God to the left because he can turn water into whining...Henceforth, April 1st will now be known as "Biden's Day"...President Obama will unveil a decades-long project to map the human brain, the principal purpose of which is to figure out how a man clearly without any brain function at all can still ascend to the office of the vice-presidency...If Tony Romo owned the Cowboys he would not have given Tony Romo that contract. When Jerry got his lift they severed a discernment lobe...By the way, if you disagree vociferously with Goddell on this new helmet rule, the next move will be to insinuate you're pro-spinal injury...President Obama is leaning toward picking Caroline Kennedy to be the next U.S. ambassador to Japan. Oh, good. She'll be able to say "like" 10 times in one sentence in Japanese...Samoan Air has become the first airline to start charging customers according to how much they weigh. You've seen these Samoans in the NFL. Are they charging them extra if they're NOT north of 300?...A new poll shows that 50% of Americans think the Bilderberg Group may secretly rule the world. An organization that relies on intrusion by covert means? Maybe people have it confused with Bloomberg's group...That same poll shows that 25% of Americans think that Obama may be the Anti-Christ. Don't know about that, but count me among those who think that Biden has drank anti-freeze...And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| Maybe Obama's trying to bring Israelis and Palestinians together through their mutual hatred of him...A new poll shows America's more unpopular in the Middle East under Obama than it was under Bush. Makes sense when you consider that America is more unpopular here in America now under President Obama...My brackets are so bloody they make Antietam look like an orderly withdrawal...Has New York's Mayor not become so invasive that it's time to consider re-naming a short man's excessive egotism a "Bloomberg Complex?"...Forget home-schooling. After Cyprus, I think home-banking may become the wave of the future...UNIONIZE THE DRONES!...I just heard the Supreme Court might overturn Tie Domi. Good luck! That SOB always has a solid base when he commences to throwin'!...Hey, the Bissinger Chocolates I ordered online just arrived and each individual piece is wrapped in spandex. 'Sup?...Attention Matt Lauer: welcome to Palin's life...I'm doing performance art at the Met by nodding off from boredom in a glass case while watching Tilda Swinton doze off in an adjoining case...And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| Healthcare Dr.ones?...Hope the new Pope works as hard off the ball as Manu Ginobili...The government spent $1.5 million on a study of why lesbians are overweight. Listen, the reason lesbians are chubby is they feel no need whatsoever to attract men. It's that simple...The government spends $27 million teaching Moroccans how to make pottery, and we don't even have a pot to pee in over here...The government's spending $325,000 on robotic squirrels. Ironically, "Robotic Squirrel" is Biden's Secret Service code-name...Saudi Arabia's looking to stop doing beheadings because of a shortage of skilled swordsmen. A lot of them are getting out of the business. You ask them what they want to do, and they say "I want to direct"...I wish the judge's ruling on Bloomberg's soda ban had been simply "NO! This is CRAZY! What are you DOING?"...Obama might have Palin by 5 to 7 IQ points, but she's got him common-sense-wise by light years...Am I being catfished by 51% of the country when they talk about how adept Obama is? Is "Adroit Obama" the new Manti Te'o's girlfriend?...Obama is that whiny civil servant that you get in the next line when you see them at the beginning because you know they're going to be the headache...And dot's dot, folks! |
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| Dennis Dot-Dot-Dot |
| With Chavez dying before Castro, my brackets are already screwed...I'm thinking Bobby Valentine for new Prez in Venezuela...Chavez's replacement appears to be the next Sasha Baron Cohen film...When a porcine entity like Chavez enters into Hieronymus Bosch-ville, the locals think of it as a karma luau...Chavez has an All-Access laminate from Dante...Obama administration pondering a per step surcharge on travel by Acorn Stair Lift...The College of Cardinals is like the Green Lantern Corps with better expense accounts..."If you have a filibuster for more than four hours call a physician"...Any truth to the rumor that if you're holding a jar of Prego Marinara sauce and it turns blue you're knocked up?...China's telling North Korea to "show some restraint" in its militaristic rhetoric. That's like Dean Martin looking at Peter Lawford and saying "you're cut off!"... And dot's dot, folks! |
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